This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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