My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
