i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
