the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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