dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
