hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
