So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
