I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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