wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
