You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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