My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
