Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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