My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
