I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
