Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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