I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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