God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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