Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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