am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
