Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
