Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
