He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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