Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
