My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
