Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
