is your mom at the bar?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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