Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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