We're like a lot better than the average bears
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
