The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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