I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
