mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
