Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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