Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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