And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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