holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
