My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize