i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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