I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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