1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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