Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
