Joe is yelling at the trees again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
