I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
