Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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