I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
