it was like his penis was on wheels.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize