If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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