you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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