im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
