i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize