Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
