I just gift wrapped bread.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
