No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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