i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
