I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
