i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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