tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
