So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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