I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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