I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
